Blast from my past

Hello again! In my first post I mentioned I found several pieces I had written in 2012.  I do want to share them because I want you to get to know me.  Here it is:

01/01/12

Well here I am.

Day two of year two of my marriage.

This is the 8th year without my Mother.

My baby girl will turn 30 this year.

Those were the first three thoughts I had when thinking about the new year just now.  I wonder what else this year will bring.

Anyway, I do have some goals this year. 2011 was a hard year for me physically and emotionally.  I started my walk down the yellow brick road through menopause. It sucks. I had not spent much time thinking about what it would be like.  I feel like I have had the shit beat out of me.  I feel like I have been injured, I feel changed. I feel like I have aged 5 years in the past year.

It has caused me to think of my mortality. I mean REALLY think about it. I’ve spend most of my life being told how young I look, running around, taking my youth for granted. But I’ve been thinking back, and I can’t remember the last time someone told me I look younger than my actual age. Ahhh vanity 🙂

I look in the mirror now and feel a little disappointed. I could be better.

I’ve been telling myself that as long as I have been  judging my mirror image.

That is what I’m disappointed about actually. I’m disappointed in the fact that at my age, I still haven’t figured it out….

But I’m working on it, and I have some ideas. Not for you of course. This is for my “life’s” work.  I’m writing my story and that is the part I need to participate in.

I have lived a big part of my life…. almost all of it really… on auto. I let life happen to me.  I haven’t happened.  It has happened despite my efforts, not because of them.

2012 is going to be a good year for me. No matter what.  I am deciding that right now.  Who knows how long I have left in this body, with this family, in this era? I am here to learn something, it’s time to become a better student.

I don’t know all the changes I need to implement just yet, although I do know where to start.

I glance back at my 46 years, the things I’ve done wrong, right, and the things I turned my head to and ignored for whatever reason and just let happen TO my life.

I have discovered the secret to success.  I’ve spent a lot of time in 2011 reading self help books. At some point during the year I started noticing I was doing that. Why, I wondered? I couldn’t figure out what I was looking for, but obviously I was.

What my M.O. tends to be; if I may not like the answer, I tend to drop the question.

So that is my plan; I have questions for myself, and I need answers. In those answers is the secret to success.

Questions:

What do I see when I look in the mirror? It depends on the moment.  If I look deep into my eyes, I feel like I am hiding something from myself. What is that all about?

Why am I always looking for alternate realities? I think there are such painful things in my past I have not dealt with, that drugs tend to distract my thoughts.

What is my best personality trait?

What is my weakest personality trait?

 

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