The beginning of my truth

Hello! I am going to do my best to be honest and open in this…my new blog.  Why am I randomly starting a blog today?

Yesterday I told my daughter I was having trouble trying to find a free resume builder.  She told me about google docs.  I downloaded it.  It found several documents that I didn’t even realize was stored on google.  They were pieces I had written a few years ago.  There were a couple of incomplete fictional tales, a journal entry, and a story about an experience I had at 14 years old at a concert. Great memory!

I was blown away! They were good!! I’m not perfect at grammar so when I say “good”, I’m referring to the content and the way I presented it.  I was speechless!  The girl who wrote these….I haven’t seen her in years!  I lost that person and it brought tears to my eyes to realize this.

The entries were from 2012 so five years have gone by. So many things have happened in my life since then. And… nothing has happened in my life since then as well. I plan to write about it on this blog.  I’m hoping it will help me to figure out what happened, and what I need to do to fix the mess of a life I have created.

When I was 12 years old something happened to me.  That was the first time I experienced having to keep a terrible secret. I had to hide it because I had to protect the person who hurt me.  I was told (by him) that he would go to prison and I’d never see him again.  And it would hurt my mother, the person I loved most in the world.  I struggle with this for a few months. I knew what happened was wrong.  I knew I needed to tell someone.  But one morning my parents walked in and asked me a question that made my decision.  I was asked “do you want a brother or sister?”

Every since that day, my life has been based on a lie.  I have never felt like a worthy person since that day.

So, I’m going to use this blog to be real.  To be honest.  If you knew me you would say I’m a good person.  I try to be a good person.  But no one knows me.  Does anyone really know anyone?  Am I the only person who feels this way?  I don’t think so but who can say for sure?

It’s not going to be easy for me.  I don’t share many things about “me”.  I don’t even really know how to explain it.  Please be patient with me.  I am going to tell stories about what I’ve been through.  I want to use it to come clean about things I’ve done.  I hope at the end of this, I feel better.  Maybe I can heal a little bit.  Maybe I can look over it and see why I’ve done some of the stupid things I’ve done.

Maybe, even if you as someone reading this thinks I’m a terrible person who deserves everything I have gotten…maybe…I can find a way to forgive myself as I look back on the reasons…not excuses because there really is no excuse for some of the things I plan to talk about here…but I do have reasons…

 

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